Monday, September 12, 2005

Future Republican talking points

A-well-a don't you know about the bird? Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word! Surfin' Bird The Trashmen, 1963 Writers of America: With the Bush Administration's poll numbers striking out into uncharted territory, your help is needed now. Active crises abound. More crises loom in the near future. Given its sluggardly response to Hurricane Katrina, the Administration cannot afford to appear slow-to-respond when the next disaster unfolds. They need fresh, hot memes, ready to go for each new crisis. Rapid meme application should give Americans that "Dubya's on top of things" feeling they crave from their President. Memes such as "fight them over there so we don't have to fight them over here", "compassionate conservative", "culture of life", and "the blame game" have a finite shelf life. Before long, they lose their mind-altering efficacy and become focal points of parody. Truly effective mind control requires a steady flow of new memes. To get you all thinking in the right manner, I have provided a list of potential crises with appropriate meme-laden responses. (See below. Memes will be in bold face.) Do your best to think of other fine memes and/or other crises that this Administration may soon face. Remember, we want the common man to think that Dubya's all over this; we want him to look at Dubya and say, "That man's brain kicks ass!" For you libbrels reading this blog, look at the pretty bird.
Crisis: Special Prosecutor Patrick J. Fitzgerald presents evidence to the Grand Jury arguing for indictments of Vice President Dick Cheney, I. Louis Libby, and Karl Rove. GWB's Response: "Know what I think? I think Hitzy-Fitzy has an obviously partisan agenda. These aren't indictments. These are spitements. And we're forgetting the victim here, Valerie Plame. It's a Plame shame, that's what it is. But we gotta get beyond all that. We gotta get on with our lives. And if that doesn't work, I say we blame Plame."
Look at the birdie . . .
Crisis: An unnamed White House insider leaks documents proving the Bush Administration intentionally delayed its response to Hurricane Katrina because "it'll be a whole lot cheaper once most of 'em are dead," and "none of them po darkies vote Republican anyways." GWB's Response: "Who you gonna believe, me or someone who won't even tell you his name? But you know me. Like my favorite author wrote, that great Negro-American writer Ralph Ellison, I yam what I am." Grins. "I'm telling you the truth. I'm a truth-teller. That's what I do, I tell the truth. I'm not lying. Mr. Unnamed Source, he's a liar. Heh heh heh." He pats Condi Rice on the back. "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job. And, speaking of brownies, know what my second-favorite philosopher Martin Luther King said? He said, 'I have a dream.' And in my dream, America respects the truth. They don't respect no Mr. Unnamed Source who won't even tell you his name. As for me, I stand for the truth. Know what my favorite Negro-American activist Malcolm in the Middle said? He said, "If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything." So I ask you, my fellow Americans: who you gonna fall for, me, or some guy who won't even tell you his name?"
Ain't he cute?
Crisis: The Iraq insurgency mounts to the point where an American presence in Iraq is no longer tenable. News agencies all around the world show images of a panicky helicopter evacuation from Baghdad. Halliburton and Bechtel take heavy third quarter losses. GWB's Response: "Today, I am happy to tell you we have achieved a measured victory in Iraq. Our brave young service men and women deserve our gratitude because they have given this dark region its first taste of democracy. Under our watch, these good people have known freedom, and they will know it again. And once the seed of freedom has been planted, there's no stopping it. I'm looking forward to the coming years, when we'll see that freedom tree bloom. "
Ugh. I thought I could do a whole blog on this, but I'm making myself sick. Your turn. D.


Blogger Kate R said...

random talking points:

"in times of crisis it behooves [love that behoove word--worth $3 dollah statemen points right there]us to respect the office of the president." no, not jiggy enough. Need more rhythm....

"The president is a big-plan man. An unfortunate series of small accidents or events [cultural reference! Lemony Snicket!] created a disaster triggered by nature." might be too long to remember...

"We solve problems. We are problem solvers." Yeah!

"For whatever reason, God has chosen to test this country and in the long run we have shown our true mettle [mettle! good one! 2 dollah statemen points]"
See, this one makes him look above the fray. Makes the small shit unimportant--what're a few days lag-time in the big picture? And those blame game people are petty, I tell ya. Yup.

9/13/2005 06:11:00 AM  
Blogger Jeff Huber said...

We're problem salvers?

9/13/2005 06:40:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

"For whatever reason, God has chosen to test this country and in the long run we have shown our true mettle."

Ah, that's the ticket! (1) Cites God. That taps his hardcore base, and reminds people that he is, after all, God's chosen. (2) 'Test this country' is good and bad. On the one hand, it reminds us that we've failed the test. On the other hand, it diffuses responsibility with 'this country' rather than, erm, "ME". (3)'We have shown our true mettle' When in doubt, stomp real hard and yell, "AMMRRRKA! FUCK YEAH!" Patriotism is the opiate of the masses.

9/13/2005 07:30:00 AM  
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