Tuesday, September 06, 2005

The fundamental frequency of guy thought

From Monica Jackson's blog, The Way There: "Okay, tell me the truth. Do you ever go to the grocery store or somewhere like that, and count the guys you’d possibly sleep with in a ratio to the ones who are ick, and work it out mathematically—and figure out when is the highest likelihood of the greatest concentration of fuckable men at particular grocery store at any one time?" Thank you for asking this question, Monica. Why? Cuz I never would have guessed that women think this way. Guys, yes. Beginning at puberty, sex never leaves our brains (except for a thirty minute interval after each orgasm). True story. Hospitalized with meningitis, my arm burning up with intravenous antivirals because my doc once, once, had a patient with herpes encephalitis, my kidneys shutting down because IV antivirals are Bad Juju, and a petite, pretty, barely-speaky-English Eastern European nurse puncturing my hand for the fourth time to set a fresh line, all I can think about is Night Shift Nurses. Typical exchange in the Hobbit Household: Karen: I thought you were tired. Me: I am. What's your point? So, Monica, to answer your question: do I ever? I always. Even in a room full of buffarillas. (Now, there's a masochistic game. "You have to screw someone in this room, or else your family will be stricken with a plague of chiggers. Who do you do?") Because the inescapable fact is, guys are never not thinking about sex.
Writing is a brain-intensive task. Once I'm in the groove, my brain's testicular cortex goes dormant and utters nary a squawk. I might go three or four hours without thinking about cooch. You might think this is a contradiction of my thesis, but it's not. Behind it all, I have to ask myself: Why do I write? For the groupies. Some wiseguy of an author (Miller? Faulkner? Help me out here) once commented that men write exclusively for women. For the love of a woman, for the promise of sex, something like that. Maybe it's an oversimplification, maybe not. One thing is certainly true: I harbor a belief, a superstition, an unquenchable hope that every humorous or poignant or insightful thing I write will flip Karen's mental switch and get her thinkin' what I'm thinkin'. What I'm always thinkin'. I'll close with a hetero version of whom-would-I-do. 1. Ginger or Mary Ann. Mary Ann. Ginger scares me. Mary Ann, by virtue of being in Ginger's shadow, would do anything to hang on to me. Hmm. I wonder what Mrs. Howell would be willing to do . . . 2. Morticia Addams or Lilly Munster. Lilly had an off-putting, frumpy je nais c'est quoi. Besides, she's used to Herman's schvanzschtucker; my penis would do naught but make echoes. Morticia, all the way, baby. 3. Yeoman Rand or Uhura. Uhura. Boobs and brains. 4. Wilma Flintstone or Betty Rubble. Betty. I prefer brunettes to reds; also, Betty is married to little ol' Barney. I'd be the Anti-Barney. Only problem would be if big Fred is schtupping her on the side. 5. Cat Woman or Poison Ivy. I'm not usually a Michelle Pfeiffer kinda guy, but Michelle's Cat Woman, rrrowrr. And since I gave you dames a passel of unpalatable choices, this ought to balance the score: 6. Michelle Malkin or Ann Coulter. Jeez. I outdid myself with cruelty on that one. I think I'd rather do Jeanne Kirkpatrick. 7. LaVerne or Shirley. You're thinking I'll choose Shirley, right? Younger, prettier, brunette. But, no. Penny Marshall got the best lines in that show, and subsequent history has shown her to be the brains of that operation. I'll take LaVerne. 8. The Golden Girls. Rue McClanahan, cuz she never forgets her premarin cream. Awright, I'm outa here. Any of you want to offer me another must-duo, I'm game. D.


Blogger mm said...

Oh, I think we've figured out what's always on your mind, Doug. Your post made me laugh yet again. The humour forum recently had a worst opening line challenge. I wrote one, but didn't enter it.

I must have been saving it for here:

As Marie knelt before the guillotine, Louis admired her shapley bottom for the last time, and wondered if she was thinking the same thing he was thinking.

9/07/2005 03:47:00 AM  
Blogger Kate R said...

Maureen. I would have voted for that.

Doug, which and why:

Natasha Fatale or Rocky the squirrel? (Rocky's female, dammit) okay make that Nell Whateverhernamewas. Dudley Do-right's girl

Imelda Marcos or Eva Peron?

Elizabeth I or Catherine the great?

Thelma or Louise?

Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock?

Barbie or Midge? (Midge might be too obscure. I wrote Skipper, but I don't want any under-age doll stuff happening)

9/07/2005 05:50:00 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

What about the classics, man? Betty or Veronica?

And yes, I realize they're the same body with different hair colors. Guess you have to consider the money vs. no money question there...

9/07/2005 06:46:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Maureen: Oh, I love it. That definitely kicks ass over the winning line.

Kate: Natasha over Rocky or Nell. Natasha is 9/10 of the way to dominatrix. And that voice!

Eva Peron. Imelda always grossed me out in a Tammy Faye Bakker kinda way.

Elizabeth I, mostly cuz I think Miranda Richardson (who played Liz for the Black Adder series -- or was that Natasha Richardson?) is a hottie.

Louise (Sarandon). Loved her in Rocky Horror. Geena Davis? I don't even come up to her knees, for cryin' out loud.

Julia Roberts. Sandra Bullock reminds me too much of a woman from my past whom I despise.

Barbie or Midge? I don't like the Barbie physique, so I would have to pick Midge, whoever the hell she is.

Pat: I'd pick the brunette. Honestly, I don't remember having any Veronica/Betty fantasies as a kid.

Keep 'em coming.

9/07/2005 08:38:00 AM  
Blogger mm said...

Katharine or Audrey Hepburn?

9/07/2005 09:07:00 AM  
Anonymous Candy said...

Jesus Christ, Doug. Malkin or Coulter? That WAS cruel. I threw up a little in my mouth just thinking about it.

OK, here are some other choices:

Tammy Faye Bakker or DeDe Robertson (Pat's wife)?

OOH! Laura Bush or Barbara Bush?

Marilyn Monroe or Jean Harlow?

Goldie Hawn or Olivia Newton-John?

9/07/2005 09:36:00 AM  
Blogger Lilith Saintcrow said...

Catherine from Wuthering Heights- or Jane Eyre?

Franke Potente or Zhang Ziyi?

Louis or Lestat?

Gilles de Rais or Marquis de Sade?

Linda Howard or Laura Kinsale?

Whitley Strieber- or John Keel?

Hermione or Ginny? (Note: Pretend you're a teenage boy. Otherwise you're just sick.)

And finally, Athenais de Montespan or Madame Pompadour?

You make the call.

PS- Malkin or Coulter? Ewww.

9/07/2005 10:16:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Audrey Hepburn. I mean, really, Maureen, do you have to ask?

I have no idea what DeDe Robertson looks like, but no one can be as disgusting as Tammy Faye.

Laura or Barbara? Laura. I'd show that librarian a thing or two.

Jean Harlow. Goldie Hahn. But, no fair making me choose among a bunch of blondes.

Lilith: the only one I have an opinion on is Ginny vs. Hermione. I'd pick Hermione. If you haven't noticed, I have a thing for smart chicks. Plus, Hermione knows that spell to resuscitate the dead:


9/07/2005 11:24:00 AM  
Blogger Lilith Saintcrow said...

Stiffinwilli. *laughs 'til she cries*

Come on, did I pick the unpalatable ones? At least venture an opinion on the Montespan-Pompadour question. I'm dying of curiousity.

And strictly speaking, I'd take Hermione too. And out of all the professors, I have a soft spot for Snape that approaches ridiculous. Maybe because I have a Big Thing for Alan Rickman?

Mmmmmhhhh, Alan Rickman...

9/07/2005 12:04:00 PM  
Blogger mm said...

Professor Snape...

I'll wrestle you for him, Lilith.

9/07/2005 12:39:00 PM  
Blogger Lilith Saintcrow said...

Oh, Maureen, can't we be big girls and share?

*mad giggles*

9/07/2005 01:38:00 PM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Three words for you two:

Truly, Madly, Deeply

9/07/2005 01:40:00 PM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Okay, Lilith. Based on this painting,, I'll pick Pompadour. She's cute! I don't know squat about either one. Hell, until I googled them I thought they were both guys.

As for Franka Potente vs. Zhang Ziyi, I'm going to surprise everyone, including my wife and myself, by going with Franka. Something irresistible about that woman -- she overwhelms my yellow fever.

HOWEVER, substitute Jacqueline Kim for Zhang Ziyi, and I'll take Miss Kim!

9/07/2005 02:02:00 PM  
Blogger Gabriele C. said...

Ok, Franka Potente and Gilles de Rais for me. None of those French courtesans, they never bathed. And the Bronte heroines never really appealed to me. And since I never made it past the first Harry Potter, I can't decide that one, either, but I remember I didn't like Hermione.

Word of the day: ohrmvp - note that's nice: Ohr is German for 'ear', and I'm sure Doug can find a meaning behind the abbreviation MVP.

9/07/2005 02:54:00 PM  
Blogger Lilith Saintcrow said...

I'd pick Montespan, she was by all accounts the better conversationalist. :)

Truly, madly, deeply... sigh... Did you ever see Closet Land? Chills.

I too would go for Franke. Ziyi, the little minx, might be flexible, but Franke did Run Lola Run. No contest, man. No contest.

9/07/2005 04:55:00 PM  
Blogger Monica said...

I'm twisted, I know.

9/07/2005 07:07:00 PM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Twisted? Twisted? Whatever gave you that idea?

9/07/2005 08:33:00 PM  
Blogger Daisy Dexter Dobbs said...

I just really wish you’d knock it off, Doug. I have such good intentions when I go for my early morning blog-hop. Just a swift peek and then it’s off I go to finish my tardy manuscript. But no, you insist on posting these far too fascinating (and terribly peculiar) posts to your blog. I’ve been woefully stuck in the middle of my last chapter because I’m sitting here thinking about your inane “whom-would-I-do” pairs. Sigh.

For the record (because if I don’t get this out of my head I’ll scream) I’ve decided that, for me, it has to be Michael Crichton over Dean Koontz because the first line of Crichton’s autobiographical Travels, “It is not easy to cut through a human head with a hacksaw,” immediately sucked me in and proved to be a portent of the interest-factor throughout the rest of the book.

Okay, so are you happy now, Doug? You’ve completely and thoroughly distracted this writer and don’t think I’ll forget whose fault it if my manuscript’s not finished by the end of the day!

My new mantra: I will not think of any more offbeat pairings…I will not think of any more offbeat pairings…I will not think…hey…what about Ralph Kramden versus Ed Norton? Ack! Stop it! Get out of my head, Doug!

9/08/2005 09:14:00 AM  

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