Sunday, July 03, 2005

Gross Anatomy 101

Blog block vanished when I read Brian's post today on FAF (Beaches) . I remembered something from high school -- something you don't need to know. But what the hey. GF v1.0 and I used to agree that there were some high school couplings best left out of the imagination. One pairing in particular scandalized us. Let's call them Archibald and Patricia. Though blessed with a good heart, Archibald had one flaw which should have doomed him from any hope of young love. He looked goofy, and in high school, looks are everything. Patricia, on the other hand, only had a goofy personality. Actually, that's too kind. If you spent any time around Patricia, any time at all, your face would freeze into an expression like this:
Because she was that weird. Honestly. (God. Do I really look that fat? And it looks like I've had hair plugs!) Nevertheless, these two goofy people found one another, and, soon thereafter, were sighted holding hands in the canteen, making eyes at one another outside of AP Calculus, even dating. Every year, the school schlepped us smart kids down to Newport Beach as some sort of reward. We never thought to question this elitism because this was one time when the deck was stacked in our favor. After all, the lettermen got all the cute girls, the stoners got all the loose girls, and what did we get? The beach trip. It was better than nothing. How it happened, we shall never know. Perhaps Archibald's choice of bathing trunks was some sort of precognitive wardrobe malfunction. Perhaps things were going too slowly in that department and Archibald thought shock therapy would be just the thing. Perhaps he was simply too much man for Woolworth's Clearance Table swim shorts. But the facts are clear: at some point during the beach trip, Patricia spotted Archibald's package. And the experience was sufficiently traumatic that she broke up with him that day. GF v1.0 and I speculated endlessly about this. Was he that big? Or was he that small? Had Patricia never seen a penis, not even in books? Had Archibald suffered some horrific accident as an infant? Maybe, in the deep, dank, salty darkness of his drawers, this is what she saw. Now, come on. Just because it was hyperlinked didn't mean you had to click on it. If all your friends were clicking on a hyperlinked cliff, would you click on it, too? I knew you would. D.


Blogger mm said...


What happened to the great big glasses?

7/04/2005 06:23:00 PM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Great big glasses? Huh?

7/04/2005 06:26:00 PM  
Blogger mm said...

These ones

7/06/2005 09:06:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Oh! Guess I wore those back when I wasn't kewl ;o)

7/07/2005 08:01:00 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home