Quien es mas lindo?

One Saturday afternoon in 1982, I watched The Sting with Karen and her two roommates, Kira and Suzie. "So," I said, "who is cuter, Newman or Redford?" Take a moment to answer that one for yourself. Even if you're a guy. Especially if you're a guy, cuz the point of this exercise . . . well, hell, let's not get too pedantic just yet. Guys? Ask your wife this question. Try to predict what she'll answer. I figured it had to be Newman. Those blue eyes, that chiseled facial bone structure. (Great bones do it for me every time. I still have wood with Lauren Bacall's name on it.) But, no. All three picked Redford. Even then, twenty-two years ago, Redford had a white raisin thing going. And now look at the two of them. Newman first.

That was taken last year. Still looks damned good, don't you think? And now get a load of Redford.

Tragic. He really should have stayed out of the sun. Not so cute now, is he? Back to Karen, Kira, and Suzie. I asked them what they found so attractive in Redford, and learned something that shocked me. Words like boyish, innocent, and vulnerable were bandied about. Truth was, they all wanted to mother him. Over the years, I've asked many women the Redford vs. Newman question. For every woman who says Newman, I'll get about three who say Redford. Is it possible that Newman's success is due to his sex appeal to men? Or am I hanging out with women who have unnaturally strong maternal impulses? It still baffles me, this question of what women find attractive or unattractive in certain men. Miss Snark has femwood for George Clooney. Maureen's nipples go stiff over Al Pacino. Meanwhile, the Bitches keep ripping on poor Fabio. (See, Beth? I worked in a Fabio reference!) This question is important to me, since I enjoy writing strong female characters. These female leads have been mutant parakeets and giant spiders, but eventually I mean to get back to Homo sapiens. When I do, I'd better have a grip on the feminine mystique. So, help me out, y'all. Here are some pairings of famous duos. Tell me who is cuter and why. To keep from prejudicing things, I'll save my opinions until the end. 1. Bill and Ted.

2. Bob and Bing.

3. Bud and Lou.

4. Jake and Elwood.

5. K and J.

6. Chip and Dale.

6. Hall and Oates.

My Answers (imagining myself as a gal, mind you)

1. Bill and Ted. As much as it pains me, the panties come off for Ted (Keanu Reeves). That other guy looks like a troll. I suspect that no matter how good my birth control is, I'm still going to worry about making troll babies. 2. Bob and Bing. Bing. They're both ugly as sin, but Bing has a fine voice. Bob's always so snide. Also, I can't get past the fact that in Philip K. Dick's masterpiece The Man in the High Castle, Bob Hope is the only comic the Nazis allowed to live. 3. Bud and Lou. Lou Costello, hands down. Despite the rolls of schmaltz, he seems like such a nice, wouldn't-hurt-a-fly kinda guy. He'd make sure I came. Bud Abbott might appeal to gals who like bad boys, but that's not me. If he tried any rough stuff, I'd kick his ass. You know I would. 4. Jake and Elwood. Just so you don't think I have an exclusive thing for chubbies (not that kind of chubby. Jeez), I'll spread for Elwood (Dan Ackroyd). I've never been a big fan of insanity. 5. K and J. German titles for Gabriele. Like that, G? J, of course. How could it be otherwise? But this is the toughest choice so far. K's unrequited love for the girl who should have been his wife . . . it melts my heart. But J has it in youth, style, and sense of humor. Aw, hell. I'll do them both. 6. Chip and Dale. Really? They're on the market? I thought they were already pledged to one another. That said, I'll take Chip. I prefer my man's facial features not to be dysmorphic, thank you very much. 7. Hall and Oates. Neither. But if I'm forced to choose, I'll pick the one who doesn't have a toxic caterpillar crawling across his lip. Comments welcome. D.