So you want to be a Prairie Muffin . . .

Modern world got you down? Tired of having to shelter your daughters from media images of harlots like Hillary Clinton, or unfeminine hippy rebels like Cindy Sheehan? Thinking how nice it would be go back in time to the early 1800s, a time before abortion, birth control, and pornography were the scourge of a good, decent, Godfearing woman like yourself? Not to fear, milady. Submit to the will of a manly Godfearing man NOW. Become a Prairie Muffin. What's a Prairie Muffin? You'll be hard pressed to find a definition on their website, so let me help you out. Here's a crash course in becoming a Praying Muff. Um, Prairie Muffin. Step 1. Do not lose your sense of humor. On the Muffin site, you'll find nuggets like this: Note: It was decided in a hotly-contested election, that the husbands of Prairie Muffins would henceforth be known as "Prairie Dawgs." An official Prairie Dawg greeting was also proposed. Single women aspiring to be Prairie Muffins will be known as "Muffin Mixes" and young children of Prairie Muffins are "Mini Muffins." Thus, lesson one is, you are not a woman. You're not even a Prairie Muffin yet. You, my dear, are a muffin mix, eagerly awaiting a man to leaven your fertile, ah, flour and sugar mixture. Step 2. Study and commit to heart the Prairie Muffin Manifesto. Since the Manifesto has 39 steps, I'll simplify it for you. Here are some of the bitter pills, erm, blessings of the Lord you'll have to swallow. In case you were wondering about your proper place in your all new Muffin-friendly home, 11) Prairie Muffins own aprons and they know how to use them. Just so you know it's not all about tater tot casseroles and Scrambled Egg Surprise, 9) Prairie Muffins do not reflect badly on their husbands by neglecting their appearance; they work with the clay God has given, molding it into an attractive package for the pleasure of their husbands. You need never trouble your head again with unpleasant thoughts: 18) Prairie Muffins are fiercely submissive to God and to their husbands. "You will be my master, hubs, or I'll beat you to a bloody pulp!" Now that you have your priorities straight, Step 3. Get ready to spread your legs and keep 'em spread. From the Manifesto, 3) Prairie Muffins are aware that God is in control of their ability to conceive and bear children, and they are content to allow Him to bless them as He chooses in this area. Translation: get used to this . . . cuz families of 10 to 15 children or more are not unusual. This, by the way, is a core Muffin belief: God meant you to have as many children as your womb can possibly bear. Hope you like morning sickness. Here's some Muffin reassurance for you from QuiverFull contributor Elizabeth, "mother of ten": "Yes, my children all know that I highly prize each one of them, and they know that I would welcome as many more as God would choose to give me. I am also honest enough to tell them that I have never been too crazy about being pregnant. However, I sure am crazy about those sweet little babies when they finally arrive." Yup, she sure is. I'll save the shining star of the Prairie Muffin movement, the Duggar Family -- fourteen children, one more on the way -- for some other day. For now, you had better . . . Step 4: Get used to the world's fugliest dresses. Nuff said. Finally, Step 5: Never take your eyes off the prize. Back to El Manifesto: 2) Prairie Muffins are helpmeets to their husbands, seeking creative and practical ways to further their husbands' callings and aid them in their dominion responsibilities. 'Dominion' is a code word for Dominionism. Read what Wikipedia has to say about Dominionism, or be content with my nutshell definition: Reactionary evangelical Christian philosophy that encourages adherents to impose their moral code on the rest of us. You know, like Alberto Gonzalez going after pornographers. That sort of thing.

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Yes, I know I've been ignoring the guys out there. I don't know about you, but this Muffin movement creeps me out. Maybe some guys like their women all covered in flour from 9 to 5 and screaming for fertilization from 6 to 8, practicing their sperm-retaining yoga a la Julianne Moore in The Big Lebowski, quilting and crafting and diapering and shit, but as for me, I like a woman with teeth. Tomorrow: Reading the Muffin Way. D.