Here be yer pirate romance. Arrr.

In honor of International Talk Like A Pirate Day

A Pirates Dilemma, Part the First Taint easy being grizzled as a cockswain's dungbie, I tell ye, and me with a leg o' teak from the knee down. The eye patch don't help at all, neither. Of late, it seems I can only wet me beak in the back end of a cackle, or in the bunghole of a portside beauty with fewer eyes than me. Imagine me surprise, mates, when I stirred meself one morning and found not one but two beauties casting hopeful eyes on me sorely underused mizzenmast. But I be gettin' ahead of meself. Name is Wood, me friends. They calls me Morning Wood, on account o' I rise before the cock crows and I be barking orders before the sun peeps out her shiny eye. We'd just taken a fine haul, having scuttled Her Majesty's ship The Drake off the Ivory Coast, and I was of a mind to give me men some much needed shore leave. And, truth be told, I longed for a fine young maiden of indiscriminate tastes to shiver me timbers right well. We put anchor at the Port of Sassandra. So many bronze beauties lined up at the docks, I figured I had to be in Davy's grip to be this close to Paradise. Old Stella herself met me at The Blinkered Eye -- that be right, Stella of the Ivory Coast's most famous house o' ill repute, The Jolliest Roger. Stella had so many rolls of flesh, twas said she could satisfy the whole Spanish Armada with nary a risk to her honor. "Ahoy, Wood!" she cried. It tickles her fancy to talk like a pirate, it did. "Is that a hornpipe in your pocket, or do you be glad to see me?" Sadly, she ain't too good at it. "Darlin', how would you like a ride on the Cap'n's Fo'c's'le?" "That be a fine proposal, Wood, but I'll do you one better. I have me some new blood, I do, and I'd be honored if you'd inspect the merchandise." "Inspect the merchandise? What do you take me for, woman, a common water-clerk? I be here to find meself a good time --" Old Stella sighed. "I meant, how would you like to get laid? Really laid? Not just a roll in the hay with my pet sheep." I was as stunned as if I'd been clogged on the head by sodden oar. "You mean it, woman? A real dame, one of the human persuasion?" "Two X chromosomes and all, Cap'n." That one went over me head, but I liked the sound of it all the same. To be continued.