Monday, October 17, 2005

Say hello to my little friend

So Candy has a thing for Harry and the Danglers, eh? Candy, I dedicate this one to you.
***
For the first year or two after we got married, Karen and I lived on campus. I focused on my preclinical course work while Karen built lasers and TA'd undergrad chemistry. One night, I noticed something new about my nuts. "Karen. Look at this." "What?" "It's never done this before." "Oh, Christ, Doug. You could have warned me." "Now, come on. Look at it. Does this look familiar?" Teeth clenched, lips not moving: "I don't know." "You've looked at it. Doesn't this look weird? . . . I mean, you have looked at it before, right?" She made a careful study of my scrotum. Next to my right nad, I had a balloon-like swelling. It didn't hurt, but it certainly didn't belong there. "I think there's something called a hydrocele," I said. "Or maybe a spermatocele. Or maybe it's a hernia. Or a tumor." "You're the medical student. Why are you asking me?" "I was hoping maybe it had always been there, and I just hadn't noticed." "Doug, your hands are down there a hell of a lot more often than mine are. If anyone would know, you would." Good point. I decided to go to the student health center on campus. There had to be a night nurse there, right? Maybe even a more advanced medical student, someone who had seen a few testes. Maybe even a doctor. By the time I got there, I was anxious as a tom cat in heat. I charged in, found the nurse, pulled her aside into the hallway. We were all alone, she and I, but I didn't exactly want to do this in the waiting room. "Look at this, would you? This just isn't right." I dropped my pants and framed it with my hands, just like this: Only instead of a smiley hacky sack, I had my hairy nut sack well in hand. "I was getting ready for bed when I noticed it," I said. I moved it this way and that, gave it a good going over like I already had a dozen times that night. "It's never been like this before, I'm sure of it. My wife doesn't even recognize it. I was getting ready for bed, and, like, I don't know, maybe I was scratching myself, I mean it's not like I'm scratching myself all the time, but this time when I did I felt this big swollen thing that had no business being there. I mean, look at it. I'm a medical student, but I don't know what this is. I dunno, maybe a hydrocele, or a spermatocele, or a hernia, or, oh God, please don't tell me you think it's a tumor. You don't, do you?" I looked away from my right nut and looked her in the eye for the first time. She kinda looked like this. "I -- I -- I'll get the nurse." She was an undergrad, eighteen years old tops. Probably a volunteer. "Um, sorry," I said as I stuffed my goods back in my pants. "Busy clinic like this, I'll bet you see that all the time." She backed away, stricken. I never saw her again. She didn't call, didn't write. As for me, my little visitor disappeared by the next morning. He never showed up again, either. *** This is my entry for Demented Michelle's Halloween Trick or Treat Prank Contest. It's not much of a prank, but it's all I got. And, gee whiz -- if I'd been putting her on, it would have been one hell of a trick, eh? D.

11 Comments:

Anonymous Eugie Foster said...

This post made me laugh so hard my husband came over to see what was so funny. He had to read it too, of course, (and did indeed laugh out loud). So you've now seared indelibly into the minds of all of the adult members of my household (Hobkin's not old enough) an image of you displaying your dangly bits before a traumatized volunteer. I hope you're happy.

10/17/2005 08:55:00 PM  
Anonymous Candy said...

Christ, Doug. That was beautiful. Almost good enough to get me believing in gods again.

And sure 'nuff, it filled me with glee.

I do think this is the first time anyone dedicated a blog entry to me. Ah declare, ah mah faint.

10/17/2005 09:07:00 PM  
Anonymous fiveandfour said...

Oh man that was just too much.

I would consider upping the ante with a story about a friend who went into a clinic when we were out of town on vacation who had the happy experience of the doctor on duty, while she was ankles up in the stirrups, saying, "Boy, I've never seen anything like this before!" But I think I'd lose the hand, so off I slink.

Thanks for the laugh.

10/17/2005 09:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Candy said...

had the happy experience of the doctor on duty, while she was ankles up in the stirrups, saying, "Boy, I've never seen anything like this before!"

Actually, I'VE had that happy experience for myself.

To this day, three different gynecologists and two different RNs aren't quite sure what they saw.

10/18/2005 07:00:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Candy, perhaps it was something like this.

In case any of you missed my female pelvic story (en Espanol), it's here.

Thanks for reading, y'all.

10/18/2005 07:52:00 AM  
Blogger Lilith Saintcrow said...

can't...breathe...you evil...evil man...

It's taken me almost ten minutes to type that much, I've been laughing so hard. Man, Doug, you have a gift. No, not your scary hairy-your ability to make people laugh. With your scary hairy. No, that's not right either. Just the ability to laugh. Yeah. That's it.

*grin* I agree with Candy. That was beee-yooo-tiful.

10/18/2005 08:47:00 AM  
Anonymous Candy said...

Dammit, it better NOT have been Elmo. I mean, I know I joke about being Satan incarnate, but harboring Pure Evil in my poor little 'giney is more than I want to contemplate. According to assorted test results and the biopsy, what the gynecologists saw wasn't cancerous, fungal, bacterial or viral in origin. Which very well may leave Muppet as the only option.

*weeps softly*

10/18/2005 09:45:00 AM  
Blogger mm said...

I just know since posting this you've drawn a smiley face on your, er, hackey-sack.

10/18/2005 11:04:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Candy: something out of Poltergeist, perhaps?

Maureen: if it would get me more nook, I'd get the damned thing tattooed.

10/18/2005 02:41:00 PM  
Blogger Demented M said...

That was awesome Doug! That poor girl!

We need to get some competition for this Halloween contest--dont' any of you commenters want to play too????

Pleeeease?

M

10/18/2005 03:20:00 PM  
Anonymous Caryn said...

Oh, God! That's hilarious! Both the episode and the way you wrote it. Oh, and the picture didn't hurt, either. Thanks for the laugh.

1/26/2006 03:01:00 PM  

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