Wednesday, October 05, 2005

My wife is one fine piece of arm

How low will I stoop to draw blog traffic? That's a difficult question. Yesterday, I learned over at Non Compos Mentis that I've been going about it all wrong. Why putz around with Technorati tags when one photo of nude women wrestling, appropriately labeled (or inappropriately labeled, as you shall soon see), will launch your blog into the stratosphere? Sex. Free porn. Nude photos. That's where the action is. I have two problems with this plan. One: most of y'all are of the feminine persuasion, and while I don't think of you as prudes, I don't want to alienate you, either. You come here for the humor (I hope), not for photos of naked women making out. If I did put up photos of women with huge breasts french-kissing, you would think that I had photoshopped Ann Coulter's and Michelle Malkin's faces onto the relevant parties first. And you'd be right. Two: if I do something like this, it had better be funny. Despite the things I say sometimes, I'm not a blog traffic whore. Much. I mean, I have to draw the line somewhere, and shameless exploitation of anyone except me, my wife, my son, and certain media figures who richly deserve it -- oh, and actors and actresses and other people who catch my attention, not to mention old friends and acquaintances and other family members, associates, and folks I meet in the blogosphere -- well, it's just not right, and I'm not going to do it. Besides: do I really want tons of traffic from pimply faced kids with megadoses of testosterone surging through their bloodstream? Well, sure, if they decide to stick around for the humor. These two concerns have led me to make the following two self-imposed requirements. Any naked skin which I show on this site will be (1) non-exploitative, and (2) humorous in some way. Before I unveil my creation, I need to do something first. I have to frame the image with lots of raunchy words. I apologize if you're offended by phrases such as Tasty Bulgarian virgins bare all!!!! Shaved underage midgets engage in unspeakable acts!!!! Tentacle sex, cold pasta fetish, exquisite tickle torture, and more!!!! HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT!!! You must be 18 years old or older to view the image below. Click here if you are under 18. Behold: Girls so young they have acne on their tender buttocks! Scroll down for more!!!! Okay, I'm back. That's Karen's arm, bent at the elbow. Now think about all the thirteen- and fourteen-year-olds across America who are doing unspeakable things with that image up on their computers. See how much she loves me? D.


Blogger Demented M said...

Oh that is too too funny, but I have to say I did suspect it was not an ass.

Women's intuition.

Loved the lego bible link btw.


10/05/2005 01:57:00 PM  
Blogger Gabriele C. said...

Well, for us girls here, could you post some nice naked GUYS making out?

But no pimples, please.

10/05/2005 03:48:00 PM  
Blogger Lilith Saintcrow said...

Wow. That is a new low. Elbows masquerading as buttocks? Doug, Doug. *tsks* You should know us better by now. An actual bum is so *yawn* when compared to all the bad cover snark we've shared. Not to mention the Lego Bible Love. (frocking hilarious, BTW)

10/05/2005 03:52:00 PM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Good deal. I've managed not to offend anyone yet, and we haven't had a single anonymous comment such as:

Dude. That is like so lame. My mother could do better.

10/05/2005 04:16:00 PM  
Blogger Kate R said...

new low? no, directing underaged viewers to fox news. That's the new LOW.

10/05/2005 08:34:00 PM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Kate -- LOL, ROFLMAF, and all that. You are absolutely right. I'm corrupting the tender political sensibilities of our youth. I promise to change it, just as soon as I do as I promised and play Half Life 2 with Jake.

10/05/2005 09:06:00 PM  
Blogger Alex said...

I feel cheated. =)

Keep up the good work, my little soldiers of pornographical labelling (nude ass sex naked: that killed me!).

10/06/2005 12:39:00 AM  
Anonymous keith said...

funny, doug, especially sending the under 18s to the thong site :-)

10/06/2005 01:11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude. That is like so lame. My mother could do better.

10/06/2005 01:11:00 AM  
Blogger Darla said...

Sorry. Couldn't help myself. I think I need more caffeine.

10/06/2005 01:12:00 AM  
Blogger Demented M said...

Actually that under 18 link should go to some evils of masturbation website (do the muffins have anything?) or maybe a feminist rant on the evils of pornography, not Fox News.


10/06/2005 03:05:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Michelle, like this site, for example?

Thanks for visiting, everyone.

10/06/2005 08:02:00 AM  
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