Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Dorm life

One of the things that sucks about my profession: I catch every cold that comes into the office. If I were a podiatrist, I'd do just fine, since no one ever became ill from close exposure to little kids' feet*. But, no. I have to look up their goopy little noses, which brings me within firing range of their snot rockets. Yesterday evening, I developed that vague ache in my soft palate which heralds a cold. Now my neck is stiff, my nose is twitchy, and my brain is all marshmallowy. This makes blogging difficult. You may lower your expectations . . . now. What should I write about? I came up with a not-t00-bad idea: "All I really need to know I learned watching Rocky Horror Picture Show." With that idea came a single joke: "Eat your Meat Loaf." Not bad, but not great, since it presupposes a knowledge of the movie. Even if I pony up an image of Meat Loaf, some folks are gonna say, "Huh?" Cuz if you haven't seen the movie, it just ain't funny. So: that line of blog reasoning came to a dead end. I decided to free associate. I saw RHPS in 1980, my second year in college and my first year in the dorms. Dorm life makes me think of:
  • Dale getting drunk and pissing in the hallway
  • Dale getting drunk and pissing off the balcony
  • Dale getting drunk and pissing everyone off
I'm sure you're wondering, "Who's Dale?" But, really, don't you know everything you need to know about him? Maybe I should do a piece entitled, "All I really need to know I learned in the dorms." I'm still making the assumption that you guys know that bit, "All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten," which includes such pearls as:
  • Play fair.
  • Clean up your own mess.
  • Don't hit people.
  • Share everything.
Okay, let's see where this leads. What did I learn in the dorms?
  • Play fair. If you fill your roommates' room with crumpled newspaper, Eric, don't whine when you find out your prank lost them some important shit and you're responsible for the damages.
  • Clean up your own mess. Oh, how I would love to say we ganged up on Dale and used his head as a mop to take care of that pissing-in-the-hallway stunt. Alas, we had to content ourselves with the fact that he flunked out after the first quarter.
  • Don't hit people. Hit on them. And, oh, by the way, you know that bit about, "If you listen to a woman's bullshit until 2AM she'll have sex with you"? Ain't true. Jennifer, I think listening to you tell me at cracked-tooth-painful length how Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance changed your father's life was at least worth some tongue.
  • Share everything, but please be aware that if your roommate is busy humping the gal from next door** -- five feet away from you -- he may take exception to this rule. Oh, and by the way, Joe. If she whimpers after you've finished, it is not a good sign. Let a Real Man satisfy her next time***.
Not bad, but that's all I got. My brain has maxed out, folks. Ever see Scanners? Off topic: Have you folks been watching The Daily Show this week? Jon Stewart rocks. D. *I may be wrong about that. **Co-ed dorms, including the bathrooms. Some chicks are nasty in the morning, I tell ya. ***Yeah, that would be me.


Blogger mm said...

If I'm lucky, I get one cold a year, maybe two. If I'm really lucky it'll be during the week when the kids are in school, Paul is at work, and I'm contagious enough I have to stay home.

Me, nobody else (the dog, but she sleeps all day), a couch, a box of kleenex, a book, a remote control, cup of tea - a whole friggin' day as a couch potato!

I love a cold.

9/15/2005 03:50:00 AM  
Blogger Invisible Lizard said...

Just a comment on The Daily Show... Ed Helms' piece on Dayton, TN, about the Scopes Trial was brilliant, forcing the assumption that the entire town is just re-enacting the 1920's. I loved it when he asked them if they still taught creationism after the tourists left.

"So come on down and enjoy Dayton, safe in the knowledge that it's all pretend, because if it were all real, it'd be f**king terrifying."

9/15/2005 04:36:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

So many high points this week, I feel like I'm looking at the freakin' Himalayas. My favorite moment came when Stewart skewered that one congressman for hypocrisy. (The guy got all choked up and weepy about the divisiveness and 'hatred' between the two parties. Stewart then produced two gay-bashing quotes from the guy. Then he feigned tears and said, "I'm sorry. He's just so . . . so hateful."

Or something like that ;o)

9/15/2005 08:03:00 AM  
Anonymous fiveandfour said...

I'm kicking myself because I've only seen Monday's episode* - I've somehow managed to miss Tuesday and Wednesday.

This week, though, to make up for that lack I finally got to see the Crossfire episode where Jon told them they were partisan hacks who were hurting America, that he wasn't going to be their monkey and, oh yeah, Tucker Carlson was a dick. Man, I love Jon!

*There was an article in the Smithsonian over the summer on the Scopes trial that was quite fascinating; it made a couple of the same observations that Ed Helms did which was funny/interesting.

9/15/2005 10:05:00 AM  
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