Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Virgins, and panties, and mucus, oh my!

The antidote to low hit rate suckage: equal parts virgins, panties, and mucus.
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From Fukuyama Hiroaki, author of How to Talk Dirty in Japanese and English, we have this statement: With regard to recent postings about the sexual promiscuity of young Japanese ladies, I find it quite shocking. It seems to be the second part of an orchestrated racist campaign of Japan-bashing to tarnish the reputation of Japanese girls. This internet article, entitled "All Unmarried Japanese Girls are Virgins," purports to be an antidote to said "racist campaign." I'm not sure what good it will do to combat one sweeping generalization with another, but I do know that you forfeit the moral high ground with statements like this: Regarding the rape of the 12-year-old Okinawan child, I have been called upon to voice my opinion about the 12-year-old girl who was raped by three Afro-American savages. This was truly a great tragedy for the poor girl. Now she will never be able to get married and live a happy life. She is forever tainted in the eyes of Japanese society and no respectable Japanese man will have anything to do with her. Those three savages got off easy. Afro-American savages? Forever tainted? The rape did indeed happen, but why respond with racist slurs? And why hold it against the victim?
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On a lighter note, Backless Lingerie offers specially designed panties which will allow you to show as many inches of butt crack as you'd like without showing any trace of underwear! Quote: Let's be frank: What if you could wear truly invisible panties with complete confidence – no peek-a-boo thongs, no panty lines, ever? Fashionistas from Vogue to Cosmo agree – visible thongs, once popular thanks to Christina Aguilera and Pink, are a thing of the past. Though the jeans keep getting lower, it's no longer cool to flaunt those g-strings. What's next? Man oh man. Butt crack, g-strings, peek-a-boo thongs, Christina Aguilera . . . soon, my hit counter will be burning a hole at the bottom of the page!
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Yesterday, Michelle mentioned how a discussion of mucus boosted her hits. And I thought, why didn't I think of that? I'm the archbishop of mucus. But enough self-linkage. Surely there are other interesting mucus sites on the Web. This website explains how your cervical mucus changes during your fertility cycle. Wordspy has this definition for "mucus trooper": mucus trooper (MYOO.kus troo.pur) n. An employee with a cold or the flu who insists on showing up for work. —mucus troop v. That reminds me . . . no doubt you've all heard this, but a panel of linguists chose Stephen Colbert's neologism 'truthiness' as the 2005 Word of the Year, and they're not giving Colbert credit. He's been bitching about it this week on his show, and with good cause. How dare they not give a writer credit for his words! Back to mucus. For you paranormal romance writers, make sure you thoroughly understand ectoplasm -- ghostly mucus -- because without it, those cosmic copulations are hella painful. Although . . . I've heard you can use specially designed personal lubricants, such as Astral Glide.
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My first case got bumped by an emergency. Can you tell? D.

11 Comments:

Blogger Kris Starr said...

equal parts virgins, panties, and mucus.
Doug, my dear boy, if that don't crash the Internet, I don't know what will.

And those thongy-thingys look highly uncomfortable. And awkward. Frankly, that would feel just too freakin' weird.

As a point of note, manufacturers do sell 'low-rise' thongs, with which one can avoid the whole unsightly thong 'handlebars' completely.

And there's also the issue of the gals out there for whom the words "ultra-low-rise jeans" and "thongs" should not be in their vocabulary.

shudder

1/11/2006 09:12:00 AM  
Blogger Robot Buddha said...

I saw your comment at Blogenfreude's: I checked, and the kind folks at the lingerie place don't have a faster delivery than "overnight express."

Bummer.

Or should I say "barely covered bummer?"

1/11/2006 09:14:00 AM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

Better living through technology ...

1/11/2006 09:18:00 AM  
Blogger Blue Gal said...

Why are we always on the same wavelength? I linked today to an asian panties website too. And I'm so glad those days of checking my own vaginal mucus are behind me forever.

1/11/2006 09:45:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Kris, around here I see way too many pierced navels & tongues & buttcracks on people who really should know better. But hey, it's their body.

Hi robot buddha! Welcome to Balls & Walnuts. Hope you come back for more. Barely covered bummer *heheheheh*

Blogenfreude, I'm still waiting for the Matrix-style VR that lets me live out the rest of my life in a virtual brothel.

Blue gal, if you're gonna be my psychic twin, Kate will get after you. Watch out.

1/11/2006 10:30:00 AM  
Blogger Blue Gal said...

Well, I have an evil twin, but not a psychic twin, until now. But Kate has nothing to worry about.

1/11/2006 11:58:00 AM  
Blogger Robyn said...

Oooooo that racist, sexist comment just burns me. How many young women, I wonder, will never tell anyone they were raped for fear of being labeled "damaged goods?" Am I totally wrong to want to shoot someone here?

And the "whale tail" doesn't look good on anyone, IMO. I think it's interesting though, that young females' pants get tighter, and young males' pants get baggier. (More baggy? Not sure of the tense there.)

1/11/2006 02:56:00 PM  
Blogger Kate R said...

If Bluegal is my evil twin, does this make us triplets, doulgas?

1/11/2006 03:01:00 PM  
Blogger Blue Gal said...

Kate, I think the deal is that twins do not have to dress alike, but triplets do. And I don't do frog wear. And I'm mad at Doulgas, because he did not tell me about Uncle Zog's Medicinal Mozltov! Panties (Orthodox). Oh hell, it's not panties, it's a thong. Big difference there, as I like a lot of coverage. Friction, baby.

1/12/2006 01:12:00 PM  
Blogger Ellie said...

I LOVE STEVEN COLBERT. I think the next work chosen should be trustigious.

1/12/2006 08:48:00 PM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Ever notice how the International Jewish Conspiracy's Octopus looks a hell of a lot like Flying Spaghetti Monster?

I smell an Orthodox Pastafarian conspiracy!

1/12/2006 08:58:00 PM  

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