Another evil meme

Thank Suisan for this one. Seven Things To Do Before I Die: You know, I wanted to write a few funny one-liners for that one, but "Before I Die" is such a buzz-kill that I have to take the blasted thing seriously. Sorry, "Go on Southeast Asian sex junket" will have to stay off the list. For now. 1. Go to Europe and wander around to my heart's content. 2. Sell my novel, go on a book tour, and have dozens of screaming teenage girls line up so that I can autograph their breasts. 3. Bake one of those big, fat, fancy pastry things Tony Shalhoub makes at the end of Big Night. 4. Tour the world and meet all of y'all. 5. Watch Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter bitch-slap each other silly on Meet the Press. That's not a joke. I really want to see that before I die. 6. See my wife regain her health. 7. See my son grow up into a responsible, caring adult. Seven Things I Cannot Do: 1. Speak Chinese (except for "Hoa hoa hoa," which means, "Yeah, yeah, yeah," and "Aya!" which means, "Get outa here!") 2. Program a VCR. 3. Fix my car, or fix any damn thing, for that matter. 4. Not get angry at Jake (that's his suggestion). 5. Respect George W. Bush. 6. Kick ass in a shooter (any Unreal Tournament fans out there?) 7. Die, unless someone chops off my head with one fat mofo of a sword, in which case he'll get all my power. There can be only one! Seven Things That Attract Me To My Spouse (or Significant Other, Best Friend, etc.) 1. Her bravery. 2. She knows how to fix stuff. 3. She's smarter than me. 4. She can balance a checkbook and keep me out of financial trouble. 5. She laughs at my jokes. 6. She's a hell of a critter. 7. She's not repulsed by my body. Seven Things I Say (or Write) Most Often: 1. Jake! 2. Karen, hit the mute. This is funny! 3. Kitty, goddammit! 4. No. 5. Gimme some sugar, baby (inspired by Bruce Campbell, natch). 6. (To patients) What can I do for you today? 7. (To patients) Eeeeeew! Catrina, one of my office staff, has asked me to add: 8. *SIGH* 9. Am I done yet? Seven Books (or Series) I love: 1. The Big Sleep by Raymond Chandler 2. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald 3. Terry Pratchett's Diskworld books 4. John LeCarre's George Smiley novels 5. John D. Fitzgerald's Great Brain books (loved 'em as a kid) 6. As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner 7. Martin Cruz Smith's Arkady Renko novels Seven Movies I Would Watch Over and Over Again: 1. The Godfather, because it promotes good family values. 2. Truly, Madly, Deeply, for reasons mentioned here. 3. Gross Point Blank, for the screenplay, and for John Cusack, of course. 4. Prophecy, for the screenplay, and for Christopher Walken. 5. Young Frankenstein, because Teri Garr was so yummy. And, I love the scene at the end with the monster in bed with Madeline Kahn. 6. Army of Darkness, for the screenplay, and for Bruce Campbell. 7. The Exorcist, because it keeps getting funnier every time. Seven People I Want To Join In (Be Tagged) 1. My newest pal, Blue Gal. 2. Beth, because I know she'll never forgive me for it. 3. Candy, to punish her for not coming around here lately. 4. Pat Kirby, cuz I know she can dish it. 5. Darla, so she'll take a break from all that theorizin'. 6. Gabriele, so she'll shame us with her list of books she loves. 7. Lilith, cuz she's wonky on pain meds (sorry to hear it, Lili) and needs distraction. D.