Thursday, December 15, 2005

My dorm was never this much fun

At the University of Western Ontario, the now notorious Saugeen Stripper hosted a lap dance for several of her male dormie friends. By the way -- that link? Not work-safe.
Tickle me, Elmo. You know the way I like it.
I lived in a co-ed dorm at Berkeley, and I'm telling you, no one got laid, except maybe my roommate, and from the way his girl whimpered afterwards, I'm not sure anything really happened. There may have been a wee bit too much alcohol involved. (Oh -- how do I know this? They thought I was asleep. Riiiight.) But no one got laid at the University of Western Ontario strip tease, as far as we know, so perhaps I'm asking too much from my college memories. Then again . . . damn. We didn't even play strip poker. We played Spades and Bridge, that's how boring we were. The deliciously zaftig Andrea gave out hugs to any guy who looked pathetic enough to need one; that's the closest we ever came to a strip tease. Oh, wait. I'm remembering something else. Once, when some drunk-off-his-ass jerk set off the fire alarm in the middle of the night and we all rushed downstairs in the cold of winter, J., the girl I lost to Mr. Blue-Eyed Jesus, had wrapped herself in a bathrobe -- too hastily, it seems, since my friend Stan got an eyeful of her booty and told me about it in the morning. That was my second-biggest dorm thrill, next to free hugs from Andrea. Poor "I Wuv Punk" Russell, he desperately wanted to get laid, but his was a hopeless case. Remember Peter Billingsley, the kid who played Ralphie in A Christmas Story? Picture a six-foot-tall Ralphie. Yes, every bit as geeky-looking as Ralphie, and with a voice that cracked on every other word. Russell got nowhere. Not even Andrea would hug him. I think they based The 40 Year Old Virgin on Russell. So, high school seniors, don't get fooled into thinking co-ed dorms are an E-ticket to hot strip tease shows and unlimited mind-blowing sex. They're not. Or maybe that was just Berkeley's problem. D.


Blogger Kate R said...

What a nice picture. Elmo looks so happy.

A dorm where I lived: the RA with a bong chart on his door. Everyone in the dorm was listed, whether they toked or not.

12/16/2005 06:00:00 AM  
Blogger Pat Kirby said...

Hmmmm. My university didn't have co-ed dorms, but I think everybody got laid, eventually.

Maybe co-ed is actually (ironically) prohibitive to The Sex? Takes all the fun out of sneaking past RAs for after hours nookie.

12/16/2005 08:12:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

My theory: I think seeing each other's morning faces and hearing each other's up-with-the-sunshine intestinal gas destroys the romance.

12/16/2005 08:20:00 AM  
Blogger mm said...

I'll bet her mother is so proud...

My brother lives in London, home of Western. I'll have to ask if my nephew has recently started to express an interest in applying there.

12/16/2005 10:26:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

My other theory: Western hired her to do this, to boost enrollment.

12/16/2005 11:58:00 AM  
Anonymous pi said...

I went to Western (UWO) and was in Saugeen for 2 years. This posting does not surprise me at all. The place was named the ZOO for a reason. And yes, we *all* got laid (eventually). Even the skinny dude who was in Film Studies.

12/16/2005 06:09:00 PM  
Blogger DelorumRex said...

lets see.. berkley.. co-ed dorm.. no sex? I think my whole vision of UC Berkley just came crashing down.

Of course most of the Berkley alums I know were there in the 60's and 70's one actually boinked Douglas Adams (of "Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy" Fame)after a talk on writing.. and a few bong hits.

For Sex I still have to say FSU (Florida State) still is the reining champion... with our without the bong hits.

12/21/2005 02:46:00 PM  
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