My dorm was never this much fun

At the University of Western Ontario, the now notorious Saugeen Stripper hosted a lap dance for several of her male dormie friends. By the way -- that link? Not work-safe.

Tickle me, Elmo. You know the way I like it.

I lived in a co-ed dorm at Berkeley, and I'm telling you, no one got laid, except maybe my roommate, and from the way his girl whimpered afterwards, I'm not sure anything really happened. There may have been a wee bit too much alcohol involved. (Oh -- how do I know this? They thought I was asleep. Riiiight.) But no one got laid at the University of Western Ontario strip tease, as far as we know, so perhaps I'm asking too much from my college memories. Then again . . . damn. We didn't even play strip poker. We played Spades and Bridge, that's how boring we were. The deliciously zaftig Andrea gave out hugs to any guy who looked pathetic enough to need one; that's the closest we ever came to a strip tease. Oh, wait. I'm remembering something else. Once, when some drunk-off-his-ass jerk set off the fire alarm in the middle of the night and we all rushed downstairs in the cold of winter, J., the girl I lost to Mr. Blue-Eyed Jesus, had wrapped herself in a bathrobe -- too hastily, it seems, since my friend Stan got an eyeful of her booty and told me about it in the morning. That was my second-biggest dorm thrill, next to free hugs from Andrea. Poor "I Wuv Punk" Russell, he desperately wanted to get laid, but his was a hopeless case. Remember Peter Billingsley, the kid who played Ralphie in A Christmas Story? Picture a six-foot-tall Ralphie. Yes, every bit as geeky-looking as Ralphie, and with a voice that cracked on every other word. Russell got nowhere. Not even Andrea would hug him. I think they based The 40 Year Old Virgin on Russell. So, high school seniors, don't get fooled into thinking co-ed dorms are an E-ticket to hot strip tease shows and unlimited mind-blowing sex. They're not. Or maybe that was just Berkeley's problem. D.