Saturday, November 12, 2005

A prayer for Pat Robertson

LORD, Given that one of thy most precious qualities is MERCY; And that thou hast forgiven Pat Robertson for saying 9/11 was YOUR punishment for gays, abortion, and anal bleachings; And that thou hast forgiven him for calling for the death of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez; And that thou hast forgiven him for calling all feminists "child killers"; And that thou hast forgiven him for a lifetime of hubris, in claiming to know YOUR will; Respectfully, LORD, I request THOU DROPPEST THE MERCY CRAP and remember one of thy other divine qualities, namely, JUSTICE, And when thou, in thy divine wisdom, weighest the merits of Robertson's recent call for a natural disaster to plague all of the men, women, and children of Pennsylvania, sinners and innocents alike, thou shouldest remember the Pharoah of Egypt: for you hardened your heart (sorry, LORD, but those thous and thys have become quite taxing of my puny mortal patience) and punished Pharoah for his sins, oh, how you punished Pharoah -- that was truly righteous, LORD, good one! -- but can we please, oh please, oh please, have some of that JUSTICE now? When an ass clown calls for death and hardship for thousands of your faithful, and claims to do it in YOUR NAME, does that get your attention, LORD? I'm sure you will choose a worthy and just punishment for PAT ROBERTSON (common name, LORD, so I gave you a photo above to help you find the right PAT ROBERTSON), but in case you're busy and need some help, might I suggest you revive an old favorite -- the ten plagues of Egypt? For extra zest, you might add "in his ass" to each of these plagues: BLOOD in his ass. FROGS in his ass. Come to think of it, hold off on that one. I like frogs too much. LICE in his ass. FLIES in his ass. A HERD OF DISEASED CATTLE in his ass. BOILS in his ass. LORD, you could do that one in your sleep. A HAILSTORM in his ass. LOCUSTS in his ass. DARKNESS in his ass. Huh? DEATH OF THE FIRSTBORN -- no, you can stop there, LORD. I always thought you went a wee bit too far on that one. Instead, might I suggest A GOOD-SIZED, YET NON-LETHAL EXPLOSION in his ass. Amen. D. Technorati tags (thanks to Rob for doing the work for me):


Blogger Anduin said...

Amen to that. What a f'ing weirdo that guy is. I loved where you added "in his ass" to the end of each plague. Funny and appropriate.

11/12/2005 11:45:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Thanks. I try ;o)

11/12/2005 01:03:00 PM  
Blogger Kate R said...

In your prayers you might add Bill "Bomb San Francisco" O'Reilly's ass to the mix.

This would work: Bill and Pat could be caught together in an ass clown compromising position.

Two birds with stones in their hands?


11/12/2005 02:45:00 PM  
Blogger Deloney said...

Hi Doug. Well, no argument here. He doesn't just give Christianity a bad name, he doesn't just give Theism a bad name, he gives having a head and a heart a bad name. I wish Grace Slick would slip some acid into his cheerios.

Was I dreaming or did you mention Margo from Cowboy Junkies a while ago? I don't know if I saw their very first gig but it was an early one before they had a record out. Even in my altered and very *alert* state I almost swooned when she sang "Sweet Jane".

11/12/2005 04:00:00 PM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

"Sweet Jane" was, in fact, what I was listening to on that commute, on her "200 Miles" CD. That was on my "Dream Teams" post a few days back.

Bill O'Reilly: yeah, give him time and he'll implode as thoroughly as Rush Limbaugh. Like the archetypal conservative ass clown Joseph McCarthy, all these turds self-destruct eventually.

11/12/2005 04:58:00 PM  
Anonymous Eugie Foster said...

Lemme add my "amen," and tack on a "hallelujah" there.

11/13/2005 05:47:00 AM  
Blogger Kate R said...

has Rush self-destructed? The drugs thing hasn't hurt him nearly as much one would expect. He's still all over the air-waves and still shows up as a respected commentator on wing-nut outlets. . . . sorry, I think you must have dreamed he met his media demise.

11/13/2005 06:03:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

You're kidding me, right? People still listen to that ass hat? What do you have to do to self-destruct these days -- get convicted of murder?

11/13/2005 08:26:00 AM  

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