Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Smell the taint

I haven't blogged about sex in ages. Kate has shamed me into it. Blame her. Jon Stewart had me in tears tonight. He played straight man to Ed Helms's extended double entendre on the 'taint in Washington.' If I can find a link to the video tomorrow, I'll post it here.
Here it is, at Crooks and Liars. Enjoy the taint -- it's there to give you pleasure, after all. Hmm? What's the taint? Oh, you know what the taint is -- it's the gooch, the durf, the chode, the grundel. Must I explain everything? By the way: if the odd hand gesture at the end of that skit looked unfamiliar to you, don't check the Urban Dictionary for shocker, especially if you're the kind of person who is easily offended by graphic descriptions of off-the-beaten-track sexual practices. I'm warning you, don't do it. And if you do, I can't be held accountable.
In other breaking news, CNN.com reports that an African grey parrot cued his owner in to the fact that his girlfriend had cheated on him with a guy named Gary: The African grey parrot kept squawking "I love you, Gary" as his owner, Chris Taylor, sat with girlfriend Suzy Collins on the sofa of their shared flat in Leeds, northern England.

But when Taylor saw Collins's embarrassed reaction, he realized she had been having an affair -- meeting her lover in the flat whilst Ziggy looked on, the UK's Press Association reported.

Ziggy even mimicked Collins's voice each time she answered her telephone, calling out "Hiya Gary," according to newspaper reports.

Having sex with some other guy in her #1 boyfriend's flat? That is low. No wonder Chris Taylor has made certain that everyone else in Leeds (and the world) will know, and tremble at, the name SUZY COLLINS.

Can you tell I ain't got bupkes tonight? Feeling cruddy, whine, whine. All I want is to take a shower and go lie down. See you tomorrow, fiends. D.


Blogger Anduin said...

Great post. Loved that urban dictionary. I could spend too much time on that site.

1/17/2006 09:55:00 PM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Anduin! I told you not to check that site. That goes for you, too, Jona.

1/17/2006 10:05:00 PM  
Blogger Jona said...

Oops, I looked! Wow, they really have names for all these things?! Identification will be so much easier now ;o)

1/18/2006 02:08:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Do a little searching, Jona, and you may truly earn that "Sex Bomb" title ;o)

1/18/2006 08:43:00 AM  
Blogger Ellie said...

John killed me last night too; Mom even had the temerity to ask me what Ed Helms had done with his hand, and through fits of giggles and tears I explained to her about the Shocker. Guess it wasn't very popular in her day.

1/18/2006 01:23:00 PM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

I'm gonna tell Karen she has to explain the shocker to her mother. I want to see what kind of reaction I get ;o)

1/18/2006 01:28:00 PM  

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