|Thirteen Things about Doug
1. For as long as I can remember, I have had difficulty distinguishing Thursday from Friday.
2. I also had trouble telling my left from my right. My usual response was, "What difference does it make?" Fortunately, I learned the difference before becoming a surgeon.
3. I named my first frog Cyrus Molybdenum.
4. By the end of third grade, I had memorized the symbols for all of the chemical elements (103, at the time). Despite this Badge of Extreme Geekdom, I still had lots of friends.
5. My grandfather, a Polish immigrant, claimed he'd been born with horns. He often showed me the scars. He also claimed he kept a monkey in the attic, but would never let me see him.
6. Pre-1970, my favorite film was Mysterious Island. I can imitate giant bee noises to this very day.
7. At age two, I developed my first crush on an older woman. She was six, and I kept losing to her when we played King of the Hill. She wouldn't let me stand at the top of the hill, ever. Bitch.
8. The first dirty joke I ever learned was the Gomer Pyle joke.
Gomer: Daisy Mae, can I put my finger in your belly button?
Daisy Mae: Why, sho you may, Gomer!
Daisy Mae: Gomer! That ain't my belly button!
Gomer: Well, surprise, surprise! That ain't my finger!
Yes, the exclamation points are all necessary.
9. In the early years of elementary school, with the Apollo missions all the rage, I wanted to be an astronomer when I grew up. Astronaut was the conventional response. Later, after I'd read a bit of science fiction, I decided I wanted to be a cryobiologist. Nobody knew what that word meant, and that was cool.
10. I used to fantasize about the Men in Black long before it became fashionable. Sinister men in dark suits and sunglasses would appear one day in our school's auditorium and whisper things to our principal. He would say, "Doug Hoffman? Can you come to the front of the room?" and I would comply. "These men say you're extremely important to our nation's security," he'd say quietly to me. "They want you to leave with them." And I'd say, "Heck, yeah!"
This was well before the era of extreme rendition.
11. I also had sexual fantasies long before I knew a thing about sex. In one, I stood on a pier and noticed that the Girl of My Dreams was drowning. I jumped off the pier, rescued her, and carried her dripping body back to shore. She would revive in my arms and say, "Oh, you are so special." The End.
The fact that I didn't know how to swim never entered into it. I was special, after all.
12. I haven't wet the bed since age two, I never set fires, and I never tortured any animals, large or small (unless you count tormenting red ants). I am thus better qualified to be President than George W. Bush.
13. And yet I have never, ever fantasized about becoming President of the United States.
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