Thursday, December 08, 2005

Grow a pair (or buy one)

Meet the neuticle. No, this is not a Bertie Botts Jelly Bean*, but you are welcome to eat one, if you'd like. Here are some recipes. It's the "NeuticlesNatural," to be exact, which is "FDA medically-approved solid silicone. Not gel filled or saline filled but a soft solid rubber-like material that replicates the pets testicle in firmness once implanted." (Um . . . who, exactly, is checking their dog's balls for firmness?) Neuticles came to my attention when the inventor of neuticles, Gregg A. Miller, won the 2005 IgNobel Prize for Medicine. Fake dog balls (and kitty balls) have made the rounds of the blogosphere of late, including this rather longish but interesting discussion at Pandagon, regarding men so nervous about their own manhood that they won't get their dogs neutered. I think Pandagon is right. The good folks at Neuticles would like you to believe that a new pair of rubber cojones will help your neuteree's self-esteem, but whose self-esteem is in jeopardy here? I'm reminded of one of cultural anthropology's more notorious treatises, Clifford Geertz's "Deep Play: Notes on the Balinese Cockfight." I read it in college, and one line has stuck with me to this day (and thank heavens for the web, cuz my memory would have mangled it): To anyone who has been in Bali any length of time, the deep psychological identification of Balinese men with their cocks is unmistakable. The double entendre here is deliberate. It works in exactly the same way in Balinese as it does in English, even to producing the same tired jokes, strained puns, and uninventive obscenities. Bateson and Mead have even suggested that, in line with the Balinese conception of the body as a set of separately animated parts, cocks are viewed as detachable, self-operating penises, ambulant genitals with a life of their own. Which brings me to the core question of tonight's post: what are the ambulant genitals of the 21st Century? I really don't know. I'm just askin'. D. *My advice? When eating Bertie Botts Jelly Beans, stay away from Vomit.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to wonder who is so worried about their dog still appearing to have balls.

Love your blog! I found it from your post at the IJC forum. Have you ever been to ? That's my usual location.

12/09/2005 12:29:00 AM  
Blogger Dean said...

Currently, the ultimate in vehicular penis-enhancement therapy are the cheap-ass Hummers, the H2 and H3.

The picture you posted was from the tail-end of the trucker n' CB craze. I'm old enough to have lived through that, and what a godawful fad that was.

12/09/2005 04:31:00 AM  
Blogger Robyn said...

Doug, have you noticed a certain...theme in your posts lately?

12/09/2005 06:29:00 AM  
Blogger mm said...

Oh dear god!

You know, I've always worried if my dog was self-conscious because of her small breasts - do you know if there's anything out there for her?

I have no doubt that somewhere in Hollywood, people are treating their pets to anal bleachings, too. But I'm not going to look for it, since I know you'll find it and eventually post about it.

Keep up the good work!

12/09/2005 06:31:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Hey, anon, welcome to B&W. I'll come check out Democratic Underground first thing.

Dean, I tried finding a suitable image of a Hummer, but could only find pictures of the military variety. Granted, I didn't search for long. In this part of the US, the Hummer craze never caught hold. Trucks are still the Big Dicks of the automotive world in Del Norte County.

Robyn, you just noticed? Ask Maureen. I can't write a short story without, erm, neuticles making at least a guest appearance.

Maureen, that was great ;o) Silicone implants for small-breasted bit -- female dogs. Would make a hilarious photoshop, wouldn't it?

12/09/2005 08:06:00 AM  
Blogger Lilith Saintcrow said...

Synchronicity strikes again. We just took our kitten to the vet to be neutered yesterday, and my husband can't stop making jokes about Neuticles. He finds it screamingly funny that someone would put rubber balls (pun intended) in their pet. Me, I just wonder who would spend good money on such a thing...but realizing that it's probably just to prop up an owner's shaky masculinity explains more than any theory I had.

12/09/2005 10:14:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

You know what I don't understand, Lili? Why stop at normal-sized balls -- why not go with great big plum-sized beauties? The other toms on the block would keep their distance.

12/09/2005 10:40:00 AM  

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