Thursday, November 03, 2005

Sex, more sex, and a new meme

Ever since we moved, we're on dial-up modem. Karen hasn't called to set up the cable modem. There's no upside to dial-up modems but there are numerous downsides. For example, to watch my virtual girlfriend fulfill every possible command would, at the present download speed, take 53.3 hours. I'm not that desperate. (Honestly? There's better sex on the web. Much. But since you're all being busy little NaNoWriMoing beavers, I won't tempt you.) Thanks to a sex scene, my muse shot past the 1666 word mark and topped out at 2030. I'm sure you're dying to know that Benevolents have their genitalia in their armpits, and I'm dying to see what bit of weirdness my muse will think of next. So: fun day today, perhaps not so fun tomorrow, since I have to get thoroughly into the Benevolent mindset and decide what sorts of greeting card kitsch would set their world afire.
Groans and hisses to Lyn Cash for giving me the following meme. Since I strongly suspect no one really reads these lists, I've put in a few filthy cracks here and there. Here goes: Three screen names that you've had: Clive, Tony, Chicken Little Three things you like about yourself: creativity, humor, passion Three things you don't like about yourself: renaissance of the jelly role, my schizophrenic admixture of self-hatred and stratospheric ego, my insomnia Three parts of your heritage: latkes, borscht, gefilte fish with beet horseradish sauce Three things that scare you: cancer, illness in my family members, George W. Bush & Co. Three of your everyday essentials: coffee, the internet, a laugh. Three things you are wearing right now: JavaFrog tee-shirt from Barnes & Noble, speedo underwear which is having absolutely no effect on my wife, a refined pre-shower aroma which may bear some meaningful relationship to #2. Three of your favorite songs: Soft Cell's Sex Dwarf, Trent Reznor's Perfect Drug, The Cure's Charlotte Sometimes. Three things you want in a relationship: companionship, a woman who knows how to fix stuff and manage the finances and make all the really important decisions (Karen, in other words), sex on demand. Two truths and a lie: I firmly believe I'm immortal, I'm fascinated by butt cracks, I hate to watch porn alone. (Guess the lie!) Three things you can't live without: my family, my books, my computers. Three places you want to go on vacation: New Orleans (sigh), Papeete, Thailand sex junket (kidding!) Three things you just can't do: swim, program a VCR, write 'serious' free verse. Three kids names: WTF kind of question is that? See, this is why I hate these boring list memes. People put sh*t like this on it. Kids names, and they can't even spare an apostrophe? How can a guy write an interesting answer, let alone a funny one? Three things you want to do before you die: Now that's more like it. Publish a damned book, get interviewed on The Daily Show, bum around Europe for a few years. Three celeb crushes: Olivia Hussey, Jacqueline Kim, Natalie Merchant. (The regulars here know this already.) Three of your favorite musicians: Trent Reznor, Shirley Manson (no, NOT Marilyn!), ugh, pick a third . . . Jarboe? Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you: sense of humor, inner beauty, and a deep reservoir of compassion. Hah! Just kidding. Ass, breasts, crotch. These are hardwired responses. Anything else from a guy would be a LIE. Three of your favorite hobbies: reading, computer gaming, beachcombing. Three things you really want to do badly right now: take a vacation, win the lottery, finish editing my book. Three careers you're considering/you've considered: psychiatry, cultural anthropology, chemistry. Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy: blinkered obsession with sex, I'm a slob, I can't resist a porn web site. Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl: I love my kitchen (and oh, the things I can do in it), I cry watching stupid TV programs, and I am perennially premenstrual. Three people that I would like to see post this meme: Sorry, Lyn, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Except perhaps Maureen, Kate, and Lilith. Good God, it's late. D.


Blogger mm said...


Really, Doug. I mean it. I'm premenstrual AND perhaps pre-menopausal and you don't want to mess with these hormones!

I'm NOT doing your STUPID, STUPID meme.

Okay - 3 kid names:

Becky, Timmy, Mimsy.

11/04/2005 03:59:00 AM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

You wanna talk premenstrual, biyotch? I've never had my period*, so I've had 44 years to perfect my PMS. Tread lightly around me.

I wonder. Since I've never had a period, does that mean I won't go through menopause?

*Unlike Eric Cartman.

11/04/2005 08:24:00 AM  
Blogger Lyn Cash said...

Have tried 3 times to post a response but howling, crying, laughing too hard. I am sooo sorry. (sniff, sniff) Just wanted to get to know you better. *snort* 44 years to perfect your PMS???

(dying here)

11/08/2005 03:10:00 PM  

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