Monday, April 25, 2005

Penile Collagen Injection for the Masses

It's true. Women phone me from all over the country, ask my advice, and then write articles about what I say. They get published in various womens' magazines with babes like Cameron Diaz on the cover. Just buy the May edition of Marie Claire and see for yourself (I've been quoted in Cosmo, too.). So that you don't have to trouble yourself with Cameron's "secret passions" or the article "SEX with strangers (the naughty trend YOU need to know)", go straight to page 201 and listen to yours truly holding forth on the subject of acid reflux. Whatever you do, don't turn the page, or you might see a very tasteful black-and-white photograph of a blonde knockout being orally pleasured by . . . oh, I dunno . . . someone with dark hair. Maybe it's her husband. Yeah, that's it. The article (spoilers! spoilers!) is about vaginal rejuvenation surgery and G-spot collagen injection. This last bit caught my attention. Get this: it costs $1800 and is supposed to improve orgasm. And it lasts about three months before the collagen is absorbed. Waves of ozone spilled from my dizzily cranking flywheels. G-spot collage injection? I once injected collagen into a woman's lips to make them more Julia-Robertsy, so why not? While we're at it, we* could advocate clitoral collagen injection for women whose men are permanently lost at sea. (Where, honey? Where? Damn. Thought I had it that time.) Or penile collagen injections: semi-permanently ribbed for her pleasure. Tweaked white women like Jocelyne Wildenstein get plastic surgery to look like lions. Southern California parents want their pre-teen daughters to have breast implants to hurry along their modeling career (sorry, no link for that -- I'd have to sift through too many kiddie porn sites, and I'm not that twisted). Some guys are getting horns and whiskers surgically implanted. And then there's Michael Jackson. And so I ask you: why the hell not? I have an answer, but before I share it with you, take a look at this blog, wherein writer Katie attributes all of this to . . . SATAN! Why say no to G-spot collagen injection? Simple good sense: there's no track record. Wait for the double blind trials, people. Why say no to the Jocelyne Wildensteins and Michael Jacksons of the world? Because they're in piss poor taste, that's why. I mean . . . look at them. Come on. By the way, there are no such things as 'penile collagen injection' or 'clitoral collagen injection'. I did an advanced search on Google and it just ain't there. Thank heavens. D. *'We' in the sense of 'extended medical community', naturally. As an ENT, if I stray below your collarbones with anything other than a stethoscope, stop me.

2 Comments:

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