Friday, August 19, 2005

SF love triangles

Smart Bitch Sarah wrote a cool post on love triangles today. I encourage you all to read about the misadventures of Aragorn/Arwen/Eowyn, Archie/Veronica/Jughead, and a bunch of others. I can't let a good joke drop, not when it has much more cherry mileage. Here, then, are a few additional triangles for your discussion, from a world closer to home. Captain Kirk/Mr. Spock/Nurse Chapel Sure, Christine digs the Vulcan cervical neck pinch, but ol' J. Tiberius has that power thing going for him. How frustrating it must have been for Christine to watch Kirk cavort with one snatch-o'-the-week after another; I'll bet she and Yeoman Rand used to have whopping grand bitch sessions over a couple pints of Romulan ale, ending in declarations of, "MEN! What do we need them for, anyway? Come on, Christine, it may not be a Vulcan pinch, but I have fingers, too, and I know how to use them." But Kirk's cavortings were all for cover. The Federation's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy doesn't cover Starship Captains -- or first officers -- openly out of the transporter. What was it Spock said to Kirk on the point of death? "You are, and always have been, my special friend." Deckard/Rachael/Pris (Blade Runner) I know what you're thinking: he's artificially manufacturing a triangle which did not exist in the movie -- for comic effect! But you're wrong. When Deckard (Harrison Ford) meets up with Pris (Daryl Hannah), the sparks fly right from the get-go. So she beats the crap out of him. So what? Is it so wrong for a woman to be assertive? She's a replicant. She was programmed to be assertive. Do you get it, yet? Kicking Deckard in the nads is the only way she has of showing her love. The only reason she keeps on clobbering him is that Deckard is too dense to figure things out. Remember when she jumps him and rides him piggy-back? I'll bet you thought she wanted to break his neck between her creamy thighs. But, actually, all she wanted was for him to turn around. Stupid human. As for Rachael: egads, how boring. I'll bet she cries after sex. I'll bet she cries during sex. Luke/Han Solo/Princess Leia Organa I know Leia and Luke are twin siblings, but anyone who has seen Joe Dirt can tell you this just heightens the sexual tension. Twincest is hot these days. So toss that objection right out the X-wing window, 'kay? It makes more sense to worry about the Luke/Han Solo dynamic, particularly given the fact that Chewbacca is willing to couple with anything that growls. (Wookies as a rule are orally obsessed; they don't call him Chewie for nothing. Watch those incisors!) But let's assume for the sake of argument that carnal hijinks aboard the Millennium Falcon were of the sort manly men get up to when there are no available vaginas. You know, the same sort of thing T. E. Lawrence got up to with those swarthy Arabian boys. After all, we're talking love triangles here, not circle jerks. That said, I'd have to side with Han-Leia, just as Lucas did. In 1977, Harrison Ford was a hottie, and Leia would qualify for that adjective, too, if only she'd unleash her hair from those sadistic buns. Luke had all the sex appeal of a human Jar Jar Binks. And besides, his true attentions were elsewhere. I can see it now, a la Joe Dirt: "Luke, I am your father." "Say it again!" "I'm your father." "Say it!" "I'm your father. I'm your father." Oh, yeah. D.


Blogger Jeff Huber said...

Who says SF isn't fun?

8/20/2005 10:35:00 AM  
Blogger Jona said...

I was going to argue that you didn't know anything about sex appeal, because as a nine year old, I thought Luke was just dreamy - but, what the heck did I know about sex appeal at eight? And I would pick Hans now ;o)

8/20/2005 02:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Candy said...

More twincest!

But hey, at least it's heterosexual. Half the abomination, half the calories, all of the taste!

8/20/2005 03:18:00 PM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Debi: was that dreamy, or dweeby?

Candy: what if they pull out the whip cream?

8/20/2005 08:03:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

According to Ridley Scott, Deckard was a replicant. That was supposed to be the movie's twist, and there are subtle hints to it.

8/22/2005 12:58:00 PM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

Hi, Anonymous. You know, I figured as much from Deckard's monotone voice-overs. But even in Ridley's Director's Cut, it's not at all obvious that that's the case. Funny!

8/22/2005 06:16:00 PM  
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